Pogo asked if she could finish this year of school before we take her out. She wants to graduate from the fifth grade with the rest of her class. The school always has a big graduation for the fifth graders and she wanted to be a part of that. Dennis and I agreed that she needs to do this. I talked with her teacher today, Sister Abigail, who assured me that Pogo has several awards to win this year at the fifth grade graduation. I think it’s time for hospice to step in. I hate myself for saying that, for even thinking it, but it may be time.

So why was today a bad day?

It started off that I knew today was going to be bad. We had a math exam in apothecary and I had more than one “Oh crap…” moments. I always have them during tests. There’s always something on everything that I don’t know and have to take a shot in the dark over. For me, this was several of the problems, and you can’t guess on a math test where you have to work out the problems. As the professor said, either you know this stuff or you don’t. I hope I got a 75 or higher. Just let me pass. That’s all I want.

Before the test, I was faced with two doctor visits, neither of them were my own. The first was for my husband. He had an MRI, and had to be held down to get the needle for the iodine dye. The results were fairly bad. He needs surgery and more meds. His liver is producing enzymes at an alarming rate. This didn’t go well in the exam room. The doctor said with just medication Dennis would live about eighteen months. That’s a little over a year and a half. With surgery and meds, that could be extended about five years. Dennis cried over this. Then I cried. Then we both cried because our daughter was waiting in nuclear medicine and we hadn’t gone back to get her. She was the next to go through the MRI machine.

Pogo’s MRI was the worse of the two. Test results show the cancer has spread throughout her body -lungs, liver, spleen, scapula, and left leg. Doc Dan said he was sorry, he wished there was something he could do. Despite him saying that, I asked if there was anything we could do. He told me to make the best of what time we have left together as a family.

With all of that weighing down on me, I went to school and took a math exam and still expect myself to do good on it. If that’s not proof I hate myself, I don’t know what is.

This is why my faith is shaken and my mind is cloudy. This is why I look towards the starless, dreary sky tonight and see nothing but clouds and cold weather. This is why I was hard on myself; if I’m the meaner person to me, I can’t be hurt when life kicks me.

I need a hug. Any offers?