So I made a tragic mistake a few weeks ago on a community forum that I belong to. I pay-pal-ed a woman $75 to make a set of four diapers ($25 each + 1 free because I ordered 3 + free shipping). I ordered them for my two year old boys, under the impression that since we’re seriously attempting potty training, it might go easier if we dress them in cloth diapers with vel-cro sides that can be removed easily by the boys to encourage them to use their potty. I had discussed this with the woman before I ever even sent in my order. I wanted diapers for boys for potty training. I wanted them to be kid-friendly and I wanted them to be sturdy. The icing on the cake was I wanted them in shades of blues and greens, but she could pick the fabric. I wasn’t going to be choosy about the designs, assuming that she’d pick dinosaurs or blue sail boats, maybe crayons?

I was instructed to measure the boys and send in the measurements. Which I did. I told her I didn’t care which boy she picked of which colour, as long as they were consistent (ie: James’ diapers had to both be green, and Ashe’s diapers should all be in shades of blue). She agreed with me and promised that she’d make them ASAP and mail them out. I assumed I was her only order.

A couple of weeks ago, the diapers came in. They were sturdy. The boys were able to put them on. They were plump. But the colours were what made me wonder if the woman was colour blind. Asher had a black with red fire trucks print diaper, and a yellow with blue flowers on it. James had a blue with green dots diaper and a plain white diaper. Ok. Fine. Whatever. I assumed she was low on fabrics and just wanted to get the diapers to me. I did, after all, tell her to “surprise me” when it came to the fabrics’ print, and she did. What made me email her was after I washed them. They fell apart in the washer. The stuffing was all over the washer and it appeared she had glued them together at the seams with washable school glue. I emailed her and told her what happened and that she should call me if she wanted to, but I couldn’t use the diapers now. The stuffing inside didn’t appear to be wool, but some kind of quilting material. It felt plastic-y.

About an hour after I emailed her, my phone rang. It was her. She told me that there were no refunds. Her diapers had to be hand-washed in her special soap. WTF? I told her my washer had a hand-wash setting. No, no, no, no, NO! That’s not what she meant at all! Hand washed in the kitchen sink with my hands in her special soap! What did I wash them in?? When I said Cheer, she asked me if I bought that soap with my soul, and commented that ‘mothers like me’ should have their kids taken away from them because we clearly abuse them, buying factory-made soap from Satan himself! I laughed right in her ear. I asked her if she believed herself. Really? REALLY? Did she really think that I abuse my kids via taking a trip down to Hell and buying Satan’s Special Blend Laundry Soap? I checked her site for her special soap. $50 per box and one box does 10 loads. Um, fuck that. I could save up for a new washer with that kind of prices.

I offered to send the mess back to her or file a rip-off claim against her if she didn’t send me back my money. I haven’t heard back from her.

Lesson be learned: When it comes to a piece of cloth that your kids are just going to shit in, don’t bother buying from home sellers. Sell your soul, abuse your kids, and buy them from Target or Kmart or Walmart, and buy the soap there too. At least Satan’s Special Brand accepts refunds, so you know you’re getting your money’s worth!