We’ve all come across someone, in our travels of the blog-o-sphere, who just grinds our gears, rubs us the wrong way, or generally pisses us off. Never fear! There are things you can do from your own PC that will put them in their place and you’ll almost never be caught! Unless you confess. Then you’re on your own. That’ll teach ‘em to do whatever it is they’re doing that annoy you!

Level 1 View their “about me page” and google their email address, user name, and other little tidbits about them. Find out their hobbies, favourite TV shows, movies, books, music, what schools they attended, if they have kids or not, and if they’re gay or straight. Then make a generic ‘could be anyone’ post about how people who like said hobbies, music, books, movies, TV shows, have kids or attended that school are morons, idiots, dumbasses, and so on. If you want to take it up a notch, use their race or sexuality to confirm that they molest little children. When they complain about your entry, they will look stupid because it wouldn’t upset them if it wasn’t true.

Level 2 Take on their looks. Or not. Call ‘em fat. Say they’re ugly. Doesn’t matter if just the week before you said they were cute. Now is the time to make fun of their looks. After all, you’re bottom feeding here, and you need that extra boost. Little children almost always call someone a ‘fat-so’ or ‘doody-head’ when they have no idea who they are talking about.

Level 3 Take on the looks of their kids, spouse, dog, pets, etc. If they don’t care what you think of them, pull a Kalas and attack the ones they love.

Level 4 Comment on your entries about them under phoney names with no URL or email address associated with the names. That makes it appear that more people agree with you, and could cause a flame war between your enemy and your imaginary friends. After all, no one will question where these people no one has ever heard of before came from, nor will they question the validity of their claims despite them not having an established web presence. The downside to this is these phonies can only comment on your site. Have them claim the commenting system on others’ sites are messing up or not working properly or they’re banned until you can afford dual internet services for all of your personalities.

Level 5 Twist the person’s words. For example:
Normal Person: “I went through my daughter’s clothes today and threw away all her clothes that had holes or rips in them.”
You: “OMG! Did you read my target’s blog?! She threw out all her daughter’s clothes! ABUSE! ABUSE! ABUSE!”

Level 6 Take it offline. You’ve googled this person. You’ve blogged about this person. You read their site every day. Now is the time you know you can take them on off line. If they work, call their job. If they attend university, call their school. If they have children, call child services. If they have a car, call in false “DWL” reports. If you have their phone number, get their phone shut off. It’s the coward’s way of revenge.

That’s about it. How to be the best bottom-feeder online and as you walk through the shadow of the valley of internet drama, you will fear no evil, cuz you’re the meanest sonofabitch in the valley.